A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug,” the man says. His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded, “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren…all boys. The kids always wanted to play ”war,” and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.  His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, “Bang!”  Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ”Shhh, I always do this. It’s the only chance I get to rest.” 

One day a police car pulled up to grandma’s house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. ”Why, Bill,” said Grandma. ”You’ve been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?” Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn’t hear, he whispered, ”Wasn’t exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. — Mark Twain

If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Heredity: everyone believes in it until their children act like fools! 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

A little girl asked her Mom, “Where do humans come from?” Her mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s who we all descend from.” A few days later the girl asked her dad the same question. Her dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which people evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the people were created by God, and Dad said people evolved from monkeys?” Her mom answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”

•October 23, 2014