You love the grandkids no matter what, but the truth is, all kids, especially teens, have been known to be jerky sometimes. From being generally unappreciative to being less than thrilled at the prospect of spending time with you, they all have their moments. What’s a good grandparent to do? Here, we’ve picked four of the most frustrating scenarios and tips to help you hold you head up high and forge a better relationship with your grandkid, as hard as it may sometimes seem.

Jerky Move #1: She makes it known that she hates the gift you bought her. No matter how peeved you are, don’t criticize her gift-rejection—that will only alienate her entirely. So, keep your comments respectful and don’t dwell on it. “You want her to know that her behavior has hurt you, but you don’t want to be over-the-top,” says Andrea Bonior, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. “Say something like, ‘I spent a lot of time picking that out for you.’ And then add: ‘To be honest, I had hoped you’d be a little more excited about it.'” After that, move on to another topic entirely, even if it’s a comment on the weather. She may pick up on your subtle message and apologize later, she may not. But at least you made her aware of your feelings.

Jerky Move #2: He never cleans up his room—or his plate for that matter—when he stays at your house. If you’ve laid down the law more than once with your grandchild and you’re getting nowhere, talk to his parents. “Make sure you use descriptive, rather than judgmental language,” suggests Richard C. Horowitz, Ed.D., a family parenting coach and author of Family Centered Parenting. “Instead of telling the parents that ‘John is lazy because he doesn’t clean up after himself,’ rephrase it as a question: ‘John didn’t clear the table at lunch today. Is this something that I should focus on with him?'” In addition, always discuss discipline with your adult children. If you don’t agree with their discipline style, find a way to bridge those differences.

Jerky Move #3: She constantly talks back. Grandkids expect unconditional love from their grandparents, says Deborah Gilboa, MD, a board-certified family physician and mother of four. But that doesn’t mean a grandchild should mouth off. If she talks back, try to deliver a positive message along with one that expresses your dissatisfaction. “Say something like, ‘You express your opinions clearly and aren’t afraid to disagree. That takes real strength of character.’ By diffusing your grandchild, you may see a change in her behavior.” In addition, consider addressing this back-talk at the source. “Young children can’t solely be blamed for their lack of manners,” Dr. Bonior says. “We all know that parents have a lot of power in this arena. Consider having a polite and respectful chat with their parents before you speak with your grandchild.”

Jerky Move #4: He’s the king of one-word answers. We’ve all had the experience of asking a kid how his day was at school, only to get a one-word response. To combat this, do what you can to truly get to know your grandchild. Try this experiment: Next time you see him, do more listening than talking, and really try to take an interest in a certain aspect of his life. “If he’s into a specific sports team or loves a certain band, talk about it,” says Dr. Bonior. “It might be a place to develop something meaningful to share.” Also, by showing your grandchild that you’re interested in something he’s into, you may just get to connect on that higher level. At the very least, there’s a chance for a truly well-balanced conversation.

|May 16, 2012